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Writer's pictureJeb Brack

In a minute I’m going to inject a non sequitur into this post, but I promise it will make sense eventually. Just brace yourself.

A Facebook friend of mine recently posted a story about the election and the unpleasantness that surrounds it with the comment, “What’s happened to this country of ours that I love so much?” She was talking about the hateful rhetoric that the two major campaigns and their backers are spewing in their quest for the presidency. Okay, she was only talking about ONE of the campaigns, I admit it. You can decide which one for yourself.

That’s not the non sequitur. It’s still coming. Hang on.

Like many people, I hate election season. I hate the mudslinging and counter-accusations, I hate the campaign ads all over my news feed and newspaper, I hate the polarizing effect it has on everyone. This election seems especially virulent, but as I recall, so did the last four. So what has happened to this country of ours?

Here comes the non sequitur.

Have you listened to “Hamilton” yet?

Omigod, if you haven’t heard the Original Cast Recording of “Hamilton” yet, you should stop reading this and go listen to it! It is an AMAZING piece of work! I know, I know, I was skeptical too at first. I’m a middle aged white man, so what do I want with a musical (strike one) that sets the story of the nation’s first Treasury Secretary, Alexander Hamilton (strike two) to hip-hop music (strike three, yer OUT!)? But this past summer it has been my almost constant soundtrack, because it is recognizably a masterpiece. You will come away from it changed, and you will know so much more about our nation’s history than you did before you heard it, and you’ll LIKE it!

Ooh! There’s these rap battles, see, between Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson that represent the differences of opinion in George Washington’s cabinet, right, and Jefferson keeps losing to Hamilton. So Jefferson laments, in the song “Washington On Your Side”:

Ev’ry action has its equal, opposite reaction.

Thanks to Hamilton, our cabinet’s fractured into factions.

Try not to crack under the stress, we’re breaking down like fractions.

We smack each other in the press, and we don’t print retractions.

And I got to thinking, this sounds a lot like what we’re hearing today, during the election. I got curious, so I started reading Ron Chernow’s biography of Hamilton, on which the musical is based. You know what? It turns out that elections and policy debates in the United States have ALWAYS been acrimonious and vicious. Where today we have political pundits and spin doctors and internet trolls, in Hamilton’s day there were partisan newspapers that would print ANONYMOUS screeds, generally full of lies and half-truths, about both sides. And there was no Politifact, no Snopes, no FactCheck for people to rely on for the truth.

Furthermore, politicians would write most of these articles themselves (as Hamilton did) or would start newspapers outright specifically for the purpose, as Thomas Jefferson did. He set up a guy named Philip Freneau as a printer so he could publish the National Gazette, which in Chernow’s words, “soon became the foremost Republican organ in America.” (Alexander Hamilton, Penguin Press 2004, p. 396) Chernow goes on to say, “These papers tended to be short on facts…and long on opinion. They more closely resembled journals of opinion than daily newspapers. Often scurrilous and inaccurate, they had few qualms about hinting that a certain nameless official was embezzling money or colluding with a foreign power.” (pp. 396-397)

Does this strike you as familiar? Often, a person whose reputation was sullied in such a way had only one recourse, and that was to challenge the author (if they could find out who wrote the piece) to a duel. Can you see our candidates in an affair of honor at dawn versus Sean Hannity or Rachel Maddow? I’m not sure it would be an improvement . And let’s not forget the consumers of such rhetoric: the people themselves. This was a time when people would hold rallies so they could burn their opponents in effigy, a time when people might get tarred and feathered for their opinions. And let's not forget, these patriots were often men (and only men) who owned slaves. Politics attracted the most vocal, activist, and often the most reprehensible sections of the electorate and whipped them into a frenzy.

Alexander Hamilton himself--a guy who fought in the Revolution, served as aide-de-camp to George Washington, helped write the Constitution and interpret it for future generations, founded the financial institutions that are the bedrock of the United States economy, founded the Coast Guard and contributed in a hundred other ways--this man was branded a traitor, a monarchist, a corrupt speculator by his political foes, who spread lies about him through the press which people swallowed, part and parcel. His reputation was forever tarnished. (It's all in the book and mostly in the musical.)

What has happened to this country of ours?

It looks to me like it has remained true to the ideals and example of our founding fathers. God bless the United States of America.

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Writer's pictureJeb Brack

Here's something you should know about me: I don't walk out of movies. Even during the Radagast the Gross scenes in The Hobbit, I didn't walk out. I just went to the bathroom, and then I came back, and if ever a movie deserved walking out of, that was it.

Something else about me: I love spoofs, satire, and parody. Blazing Saddles? Awesome sendup of the western genre. Airplane? Classic! Shaun of the Dead? That got me over my fear of zombie movies!

So when I tell you that I walked out of the theater the first time I saw Spaceballs, just know I had to seriously hate it. Of course, that was in 1987, so I don't expect you to rely on my memory of how terrible the movie was. Besides, I only saw about the first third of it, so how would I know?

In fact, over the intervening years, as Spaceballs has become something of a geek icon, I have begun to doubt my own memory of this movie. My friends seem to love it, and I hear quotes from it all the time! Surely it couldn't be that bad, right? Maybe I was just insulted that it dared to make fun of my all time favorite film, Star Wars. After all, in 1987 I was a callow youth who took Star Wars waaaay too seriously. (Unlike now, when I have just about gotten over the betrayal of Episode 1 thru 3...oh, who are we kidding? Those movies still blow.) The only fair thing to do would be to go back and watch the whole movie with an open mind and a willing heart so I can give it an honest, unbiased review. Well, I did, and here's my review:

Sorry, Mel Brooks. I love ya, but this movie is a turd from beginning to end. I didn't laugh once during the entire hour and thirty-six minutes. Instead, I spent my time wondering "WHY NOT?" If I'm being honest, Spaceballs should be squarely in my wheelhouse. I can see the absurdities inherent in space opera, and I love fan films that play off them--hell, I've even MADE a Star Wars fan film with my kids. So why doesn't this one do ANYTHING for me?

I think it's because previous Mel Brooks parody films displayed a deep and abiding love of their source material. Brooks and his writers grew up watching westerns, monster movies, and the like, and they remember them fondly while still acknowledging their weird conventions and tropes. This affection shows through in the parodies.

I don't believe Brooks and company had the same affection or deep understanding of space opera or science fiction when they made Spaceballs. Instead a loving pastiche, this movie comes off as just ridicule, and not very keen ridicule at that. Furthermore, Brooks' best movies not only told a story, but tried to say something while telling it. Blazing Saddles was a story about racism; Young Frankenstein about destiny and self-sacrifice. And while Spaceballs does have a complete story, what is it about? Guys stealing air? A big helmet?

I know! Merchandising! "Spaceballs: The Lunchbox! Spaceballs: The Toilet Paper! Spaceballs: The Flame Thrower!"

Well, this is "Spaceballs: The Bad Review". Suck, suck, suck.

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Writer's pictureJeb Brack

Every so often, a post like this will crop up in my Facebook feed. Not because I’m friends with people like this, but because I am friends with people who are. This one showed up because a Facebook friend of mine was tagged in the post. (For the record, he didn't "like" or share the post. I hope this is just as offensive to him as to me.) I've blurred out the names of everyone tagged, because they didn't ask to receive this:

I hate everything this post stands for. But if I cull everything nasty from my feed, I’m turning it into the same kind of echo chamber that breeds people like this. Instead, I think it’s good to remind myself that there are people who think differently, and try to see where they’re coming from, if only so I can better argue against them.

I know it’s pointless to argue with a troll like this on Facebook; it won't change anyone's mind or make them ashamed of themselves. Instead, it will just open a pipeline of vitriol with my account as the holding tank. That doesn’t stop me from thinking of all sorts of snappy rejoinders to their post. Some are just as hateful as their post, some are compassionate and rational, and some are pretty damn funny if I do say so myself. I hate to waste them. So here are 15 things I wanted to post to them, in no particular order and with apologies to Cyrano de Bergerac.

1. Ironic. Couldn’t agree more. Damn goat humpers. The only thing worse than a goat humper is a small minded, semi-literate bigot.

2. Pedantic. You’re not racist. Racists hate people for their ethnicity or genetic makeup. You’re technically a bigot. Bigots are intolerant of people with different viewpoints or religions.

3. Historic. Should we round up all the goat humpers and put them in camps? That sounds like a democratic solution!

4. Curious. What is a goat humper exactly? If you’re not afraid of being called a racist, shouldn’t you be more specific about who you hate?

5. Political. Yeah, that goat-humper lobby is pretty powerful in Washington, changing all our laws and shit. Things just haven’t been the same since they became the majority.

6. Aromatic. I’m glad this showed up in my feed. It’s good to remind myself what shit smells like.

7. Impatient. That “dislike” button can’t come fast enough.

8. Personal. Geez, you hump ONE goat…

9. Cinematic. To paraphrase Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam, if we get rid of all the goat humpers and compassionate human beings, all we’ll have in here is a bunch of brain dead rednecks, and what fun would that be?

10. Patriotic. Stop being afraid of being called a racist and act like Americans? If we act like Americans, that means we respect everyone regardless of nationality, race, or religion, so shut up or GTFO.

11. Ideological. Act like Americans? Americans aren’t cowardly hate mongers. At least, good Americans aren’t.

12. Grammatical. *losing. If you’re going to be an American, learn to use the language.

13. Editorial. This isn’t truth. This is opinion. Just like it’s my opinion that you’re an asshole for believing this crap, let alone posting it.

14. Incredulous. Isn’t our country great? We have room for goat humpers AND vicious, hate-spewing pukes like you!

15. Belligerent. Fuck you.


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